Fun With The Foreigner

 So, I think I’ve mentioned before that sometimes the humor between my husband  and I gets confusing.  He keeps telling me there are some english words he’s still not familiar with.  He’s right.  Here’s an example of how the english language and my humor gets out of hand.

Me:  Hi Husband.  How about some skyrocketing afternoon delight?

Him:  What is this ?

Me:  *sigh*  Which part:

Him:  Sky-something…delight?

Me:  What do you think would be a delightful treat had during the afternoon?

Him:  Hm….explain ‘delight’

Me:  Google it.

Him (googling):  Extreme satisfaction…(pause)….something that gives great pleasure.

Me:  That’s what it is. So, what do you think I mean?

Him:  You want to give me something that brings me pleasure?

Me:  You got it!  And what would that be?  (Asking as I go sit on the sofa farthest away from him)

Him:  (thinking and thinking)….Sex?!?

Me:  No silly!  There are some brownies on the counter.

Him:  …..(looking around)….where?

Me:  I’m totally joking.  There are no brownies.

Him:  So do I get sex?

Me:  Of course not.  It took us 10 minutes to discuss this. I’m spent!

I love having fun with him. Is this wrong?  Eh! Maybe but we’re married.  Legally bound.  He’s mine!!! HAHAHAHA….

Have a good morning!

Shove In The Right Direction

Email Catch-up (Sept 2)  This was sent to a friend who was having a very bad work idiots day. 

These should help give your day a shove in the right direction.  And no laughing tears!!!

You know how someone there (namely Big Bird, Buckee or some other genius) is always having bright ideas?  Well after listening, randomly say this:
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.”  Then watch them try to process the statement. I promise it will make your day.
And after you lose it (finally) and decided to up and quit an give your 15 minute notice and go for that first job interview, consider this:
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”  Because you are surely going to hurt someone one of these days….I would if I were you!

Crazy with a Twist

Email Catch-ups(September 16th )

I was watching a movie a couple of days ago and came across a line that I thought would be a good fit for most people that surround you at work.  Thought you would appreciate it in those times when their ridiculousness starts to get to you.  Here it is:

‘Two scoops of crazy with a side of coo coo cachoo! ‘
I’ve used it three times already.  This morning at the grocery as I was being checked out, some woman comes up to the checker (like right up to her side) and said, ‘Hey, you know what? I didn’t have no toilet paper this morning and I’m sure feeling it now!’  Then she just walked away.  Crazy azz….
The checker looked a little shocked and shaken staring at me all wide eyed.  I looked at her back and said, ‘Girl, some people are just two scoops of crazy with a side of coo coo cachoo! ‘  She laughed and I think it made her feel a little bit better. I try to make people feel better at the expense of others dontcha’ know.

What I’ve Learned Since 8am

I’m catching up on posting old emails since a friend told me she misses seeing them.  Here’s one from last week.

1. There is a coconut water craze. Who knew? Not me. I like coconut but not the water. Aparently, several stars, athletes, yoga-crazies and younguns swear by the stuff. But GMA reported that some can have 90-100 calories per container and people who are thinking they are being healthy by drinking it, don’t realize how many calories they are downing. I’m willing to bet they don’t much care at this point. I do know it’s not a habit I am willing to pick up given the taste.

2.  Selling million dollar property in New York and making boocoos of $ from it does not guarantee you will know how to correctly apply make-up or have the sense to pay someone to do you over. These women…wow.

3.  One should never leave pancakes grilling while checking emails.  I know this because Baxter is afraid of the smoke alarm and tried to scratch his way into the bathroom and to his safe haven–the tub.   My bad…

4.  Looks like some All My Children actors have been approached to do an online soap…and accepted. Seems the soap giant’s fall was due to the ratings dropping because fewer people watch television. Hm…

5.  Oh! Bisquick mix makes sucky pancakes.  I’ll go back to my recipe.

6.  I believe Emeril is ‘burn-blind.  You’d think after years and years of cooking he would recognize that searing should result in brown and not black. Bam!!!

7.  When Alex has something on his mind, he doesn’t actully listen to me. Case in point, our convo 5 minutes ago:
        Me:  Hm…I want tea but can’t decide. Help me.
        Him:  ….grunt.
        Me:  I have black lemon, green lemon and lemon herbal.  I want lemon but can’t decide what kind. 
                 Pick one for me.
        Him:  Lemon.
        Me: …grunt and scoff.

8.  And last but not least….I say I don’t feed my dogs table food but have just discovered that they eat a good majority of my breakfast each day. I’m weak in the morning….a sucka….a sap for the sad dog eyes.  Ah well.

Have you learned anything today?

Have a good morning!

Me, Jesus, Hitler….and Joe

So, this is a conversation between Joe Partner and I.
Joe:  ‘So, a couple of weeks ago I asked you what 2 people you would have lunch with dead or alive and you said Jesus and Hitler.’
Me:  ‘Right.’
Joe:‘I was thinking you don’t speak German…’
Me:  ‘I don’t need to speak German, I got Jesus.’
Joe:‘Ugh! But Jesus only speaks…I don’t know….Jewish?’
Me:  ‘Hebrew?’
Joe:‘Yeah!  Anyway, Of all the stories you hear of him turning water into wine and $hit, you don’t hear them say he spoke anything else.’
Me:  ‘Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega and the beginning and the end.  There is nothing he can’t do. He can speak every language and give me and Hitler the power to do so too.  Heck, we probably wouldn’t even have to speak!’
Joe:‘Whatever dude.’
Me:  ‘I’m just saying.’
Right about that time Ditzy D decided to interrupt with her bible study knowledge.  But I’ll just end this right now. 

Road Rage-ish

So, my conversation on the way in to work this morning was very much not like me. It went something like this:

‘Can we at least go the speed limit?’

‘Did you NOT know you needed to be in that lane 100 feet ago?’  And then upon seeing a car speeding behind me, whipping into the next lane and then signaling to get into the far right, blocking me and several others, I said, ‘Don’t let him in! You had to wait in line, his a$$ ought to wait too! Don’t, don’t, don’t…..ah yeah. That’s what i’m talking about! I’ll bet you think about that tomorrow foolio!’

‘Austin has the suckiest radio stations in the state!’

‘Oh! So you think you can pass me because you’re a Mustang and I’m a Rio. You got another thing coming!’ Then I gun it.

‘Why is this light so long? Wait…I don’t want to get to work that bad.’

Ok….yes, this is me most mornings. But I have made a vow to myself to correct this behavior. I’m going to stop talking to myself!

Bringing Up the Old

So, I found some drafts from back when I promised myself that I would keep this blog up.  May as well go ahead and share.  Here’s another old email that is more amusing now than it was then.

So, How’s it going.  OK here.  Just being amused and spoiling for an argument.  You know how it is.  Hormones….
But if if weren’t for the amusing bunch we have here, I would be in a bad way.  ‘In a bad way’-that’s what my Mama use to say.   And this company threatens to put me in that way everyday.  Greedy pigs!  But anyway, just to pass the time, I’m gonna tell you about my morning.  My alarm goes off at 5am.  It was annoying chirping one on my phone.  I don’t know why that was the one but it was.  So, before I was awake I was dreaming.  In the dream I was in a forest and there was a battle.  But I was looking down on the battle. People and animals and monsters were at eat other with swords.  I was fascinated.  But soaring through the sky were giant birds.  One of them spotted me and started coming towards me.  I turned to run but before I knew it, the bird came swooping down next to me.  It opened its beak and then……
The alarm.  That damned chirping alarm on the phone!

So, I drag my sleep dizzy self out of bed.  I noticed Alex was just sitting on the side of the bed.  He said, ‘Gym’.   I said, ‘Ugh!’.  He said, ‘We don’t have to go.’  I said, ‘Yeah well, you’re up’.  So, I pulled on a dirty tshirt and workout pants and then took the dogs out. I had zero patience for Baxter because he was taking his little sweet time.  Not just marking.  But just standing.  You see, I must have the only dog on the face of the planet that doesn’t like mornings!  Sofie is all ready to go as soon as the leash is in view.  In the mornings, I have to reach to the back of Baxter’s crate and pull him forward and out. Then we have to wait for him to go through a series of stretches and yawns. Damned Drama Dog!  But yeah, he only peed and marked several poles.  Sofie did her business and then ran circles around Baxter until he was annoyed and snapped at her.  Again, he does not like her morning sunshine.  So anyway, after getting them food and water and toys, Alex and I headed to the gym.  The workout was OK.  I was still sleepy but thought I would wake up soon enough.  It took 20 minutes on the treadmill to finally clear my head.  Still thinking about that dream!  So anyway, Alex is really pushing himself next to me (running of course) and my thought was, “you should really step it up”.  But did I ?  Of course not.  Because there was a louder voice saying, ‘Hell, it’s not even 6am, and you are still sleepy. Take your damned time.’.  I listened to that voice instead.

Well, after that we go back home and I have to shower right away. Mainly because I can’t be second in the shower.  I can’t stand wet walls. So, Alex being the sweetie always lets me take a shower first.  I decided to wear this new dress I got this weekend but it’s sleeveless and I needed a shirt to match.  I am looking in one closet and the Alex comes out of the bedroom closet holding a shirt.  He said, “Wear this. It looks good on you.”  So, doubtfully, I try it on and he’s freakin’ right.  He has such a good fashion sense.  So, I have on the new dress.  Come into work and 3 people ask me if I have an interview before I can even sit down and log in.  Then Pessy Patty said, “Wow.  Nice. That’s very African. Did Alex buy it?”  I said, ‘I’m pretty sure you won’t find anyone in Africa wearing this’.  She responds with a blank look.  I respond with a shake of the head of annoyance and walk away.

So, now Joe Partner is talking. We’ve covered masturbation, babies, marriage and religion.  Now, I guess it’s time for me to find some work to do.

Hope your day is going well.

Temperamental Tuesday

Still playing catch up with putting these out there.  This was an email  I sent out sometime last month or was it the month before.  Whatever…Enjoy! 
Well, let’s see what i got here.
 
Vodka Vita and the new coordinator….we’ll call her Desperate Dawn…are chimney-ing the day away.  They have yet to figure out that the smoking is probably the reason for the hacking problem they are experiencing.  They are joined at the hip it seems. Joe partner thinks they have a little something going on. Possibly…probably. Vodka gets roped into friendships that she doesn’t want anything to do with but can’t say no to anything. Desperate Dawn tries her best to make friends but doesn’t understand that her actions against others make it near impossible. 
 
Ditzy D is in a tizzy from fear that she might get a desk partner. What would happen if someone sat beside her? Well, her personal conversations, crossword puzzles and not-so-secret dating site sessions would have to end.  I don’t know why she thinks no one is aware of what she’s doing.  Our walls are not that high.  I’m short as hell and even I can see her over it when I stand.  And she’s a freak but that’s another story best left to a phone conversation.
 
Pessy Patty is getting moved to the desk across the wall from me.  This should be interesting.  But her Clorox wipes are working my allergies today. She just said she’s worn from cleaning and it’s killing her.   I just yelled over the wall, ‘You know what’s killing me?  Clorox wipes…Really?  Aren’t you done yet!’.  She looked confused.  I’m a little short with the temper today but I’m a work in progress.  I’ll hit enlightenment and peace another day.
 
Eaterita just finished a 20 minute long montage to Woe is We on her daughter’s soccer friends and why one is mad at the other.  Shut the hell up!  We know so much more about that child than anyone other than the parents should ever know. Oh! And don’t get her started on her son’s botched circumcision.  The boy is 3!
 
Flaky Fran has been on her phone for an hour and a half about how she’s trying to keep the boys from coming to her house to view her daughter’s developing body.  Her son is slapping girls butts for fun and getting kicked out of school but her dead beat husband only high fives the boy when he finds out.  Yet, he doesn’t like it when his daughter is harassed at school.  What an idiot. Oh…she’s former child of a Sister Wife so I see her fear.
 
Friendless Fanny….so much going on there.  I swear she’s got a lot of testosterone happening there.  And I’m pretty sure she swings back and forth if you get my drift.  But I don’t care for her at all so I have nothing much to say about it because it would only be me pulling up everything negative in my repertoire.  And that’s not fair to her.  She’s still one of God’s creations.   And I’m sure he didn’t make a mistake.  He probably put her here just so I can see the difference between all that is good and all that is just damned stupid. 
 
Hope yall are having a better day!